With the exposure of Olympic hockey, and with the Matt Cooke incident provoking headlines, here in New England there has been a lot of hockey talk lately in the media. Unfortunately, that means bandwagon fans and self-proclaimed experts are coming out of the woodwork. If these sorts are driving you mad (as they are me), feel free to direct them here for Savvy’s Rules of Hockey Fandom:

1. Know the sport. This seems like a given, but I’ve actually known of hockey “fans” who don’t know what icing is. There’s no shame in admitting your ignorance. We all had to start somewhere. Learn the game, THEN you can spout off.

2. Know the players. You don’t have to know the entire roster of every team (even the “experts” don’t), but at the very least you should know your own team.

3. Pronounce their names correctly. You may say you are a Bruins fan, but if you can’t pronounce “Lucic,” you are not a Bruins fan. (Hint: it’s not “Loo-shick.”)

4. Don’t wax nostalgic for the “good old days.” Hockey players are bigger, stronger, faster, and, with a few exceptions, better than they were 20, 30, 40 years ago.

5. Don’t whine that you can’t tell who the players are because they wear helmets. If you can’t tell the difference between Alexander Ovechkin and Alexander Semin because of their helmets, you either never watch hockey, or you’re blind.

5a. And don’t opine that the game would be “better” if the players didn’t wear helmets. That is, in a word, insane.

6. Anyone who leaves a game early deserves this:

7. Don’t play the blame game. The other team doesn’t always score because your guy screwed up. Sometimes, the other guy makes a stupendous play. They get paid too.

8. Sometimes, shit happens. The game is played on ice. The puck bounces around. Guys fall down, the puck takes funny bounces. Sometimes you get lucky, and sometimes the other guy gets lucky. It’s part of the game.

9. Don’t ever, ever, EVER call an NHL player a pussy. Because, you know, they aren’t. And this is you:

Last night at the Avs game, my gay friend asked why I had fallen down on the job and failed to send him the shirtless pictures of Patrick Kane in the Limo. See, if there is a naked or semi-naked picture of a hockey player, I’m going to find it. It’s just a talent I have. Needless to say, when I got home I started combing the Internet for said pictures that I missed while traveling to Moscow.

Not only was I disappointed that the pictures weren’t more racy, but I was flabbergasted at the media’s attempt to make a mountain out of molehill. Headlines still abound about the “scandalous” pictures, talking about the shocking behavior of an NHL star.

Excuse me, but when did being male and shirtless become scandalous?   Was it the beer he was holding?  He is of legal drinking age, after all.  There was nothing illegal in what he was doing.  He didn’t even appear drunk.  I mean this isn’t a raging frat party with naked girls and cocaine.  And he didn’t get drunk and get behind the wheel of a Ferrari. Yet based on some of the media reaction you would think he was caught with a crack pipe and gun under the drivers seat of his car trying to cross the state line.

But that’s not all. The kicker was that the organization (presumably) made him issue an apology, which he did in true NHL fashion by saying he was sorry for embarrassing the team and that it was time he grew up.

At that point, I think I threw up in my mouth.

Not only has the NHL media training stripped every ounce of personality from these kids, but now we’re supposed to believe that they are complete robots and simply tools of the NHL business; that those guys we go watch play every night exist for one reason only – to play hockey. Maybe they’re even bred that way! (I want to know are they Deltas, or Epsilons, but I suppose that’s too much information for the public to know.) I can’t say how much this attitude disgusts me, and I’m not the only one.

Of course, a few traditional purists from unmentioned regions commented on some of these stories, stating that this was a disgrace after Kane’s alleged “taxi driver assault” (a accusation that was actually unfounded in the end.) These are probably the same people that thought the NHL’s scare tactic video about the dangers of social networking was a great idea.

I guess the primary reason this story makes me so sad is Patrick Kane seemed to be the sole tasty piece of chocolate in the bland sea of vanilla that the NHL has become (see the latest Colorado Avalanche Mailbag for painfully boring player quotes.) He had the cockiness, the swagger and the audacity of a Brett Hull or a Jeremy Roenik. We all know that these guys are human, that they have differing opinions and that they have a life outside of hockey.

What is it about hockey culture that makes it necessary to hide something as simple as an opinion? Let’s face it – the NHL is filled with classy guys. We don’t have the gangsters, meth users and murders. So why do we have to keep every little thing they do a secret? I don’t know about you, but I miss the stories about Dino Ciccarelli getting arrested for indecent exposure for walking around his front yard naked or Ed Belfour getting drunk and puking in a police car and trying to bribe the cop with a million dollars. People love a good scandal – it brings fans to the game. We’re all human. We all screw up. We all like to have a good time. What’s wrong with letting these guys be human? Let us enjoy their humanity!

And if you’re trying to tap into a potentially huge population out there, say, one that represents over 50% of the population, let those shirtless pictures circulate!

Photo: Patrick Kane by Goddess Sasha. Copyright 2009-2010. All Rights Reserved.

“I know Matt Cooke is a repeat offender, he’s been suspended twice in the last year. I can’t suspend Matt Cooke for being a repeat offender, I have to find a reason. Right now our rules say that shoulders to head are legal. Matt Cooke did not jump, and did not do anything that we found illegal in his actions even though again you don’t like what happened.” — Colin Campbell, on TSN

Outrage. How can any hockey fan feel anything but outrage at this mockery of a ruling? What adds insult to injury is how Campbell attempts to justify himself. You have to find a reason, Mr. Campbell? How about deliberate attempt to injure? Check the rule book — it’s right there, under “match penalties”:

“A match penalty shall be imposed on any player or goalkeeper who deliberately attempts to injure an opponent IN ANY MANNER.” (emphasis mine)

That the referees missed the call on the ice is irrelevant. You yourself have imposed suspensions after missed calls.

But you’re not going to do it this time around, are you? And we know why. You blew it on the Mike Richards cheap shot on David Booth, and you’re falling back on that “precedent” to justify this miscarriage of justice. According to you, two wrongs make a right.

“Campbell’s decision signals that players are free to seek out unsuspecting opponents, launch blindside hits to their heads that leave them with scrambled brains, and fear no consequence in terms of penalties or suspensions. ‘Hits to the head are legal, if you want to look at it that way,’’ said Bruins general manager Peter Chiarelli. ‘They’re legal.’’’ — Fluto Shinzawa, Boston Globe

So there’s the (unintended, I’m sure, but blatantly obvious) fallout from Campbell’s “ruling.”

“It was a late hit, he followed though with the elbow, he hit him in the back off the head, & Cooke has a track record of these types of hits. The fact that he was not suspended is ludicrous, and is a message to the Bruins and every other team that they shouldn’t wait to ‘let the league deal with the offending player’ and they should settle the score on the ice. This will result in more injuries to talented players, in an already watered-down league. Today’s ruling by Campbell was very bad news for this league.” — message board commenter

NHL officials wonder why the casual sports fan looks upon their league as a farce. This is why. The head of discipline can’t bring himself to do what’s right, and leaves the inmates to run the asylum. Don’t be surprised, Mr. Bettman and Mr. Campbell, if the next player you see carried off the ice is loaded into a hearse, not an ambulance. And you’ll have nobody to blame but yourselves.

Dear Mr. Campbell:

Reportedly during a radio interview yesterday from the NHL general managers’ meeting, you responded to a question about possible discipline regarding Matt Cooke’s hit on Marc Savard Sunday by saying “it wasn’t an elbow.”

Please. Let’s watch the video one more time.

Cooke could have hit Savard with a solid open-ice body check. Instead, he deliberately moved his arm so it made contact with Marc’s head. Whether it was his elbow, shoulder, knee, foot, stick or a tire iron makes no difference (for the record, you can see that it’s neither precisely his elbow nor his shoulder, but somewhere in between that makes the connection). Are you going to make a decision on a suspension based on a few inches? Matt Cooke deliberately attempted to injure Marc Savard, and succeeded. No ifs, and, or buts about it.

I’m certainly not counting on you giving Cooke the 10-game suspension he deserves. Not after you handed Derek Boogard a pathetic two games for a hideous knee-on-knee hit. Not after you ignored Tomas Plekanec butt-ending David Krejci in the face. NHL discipline is, in a word, a joke. But as Marc Savard suffers the pain of a Grade 2 concussion, maybe, just maybe, this time, you’ll do the right thing.

Just imagine this: What if that was Sidney Crosby being carried off the ice on a stretcher? Because if you don’t stop this now, it very well may be, in the very near future.

Sincerely yours,
Savvy

As Goddess Sasha mentioned yesterday, our good pal Peter Mueller was traded from the Phoenix Coyotes to the Colorado Avalanche with some other guy for Wotek Wol… Wole… Something Polish. As a long time fan of #88, I was a bit shocked that Don Maloney would ship him out; but to be honest, I think it is a very good thing for him and his development.

I first got to know Peter as a rookie in the WHL as a member of my hometown Everett Silvertips.  The fact that he came to play here in Hooterville was a bit of  a shock to most folks who follow junior hockey; and it was a really big shock to the folks at the University of Minnesota as he had already committed to play there and had a scholarship. However, once he got a little older, he changed his mind and felt that major junior would be a better road to The Show than college.

So, he came to town and proceeded to not only have a great rookie year with 58 points in 52 games, but he went home to Bloomington with the WHL Rookie of the Year award and WHL Top Draft Prospect award as well as several other team awards during the season.  For an encore, he scored 78 points in 51 games during the 2006-2007 season and helped Team USA’s U-20 squad to a bronze medal at the World Juniors after being selected 8th in the 2006 draft.  It helped that he was alongside Zach Hamill, who now is Boston Bruins property; and that the Tips had a phenomenal season on the way to winning the WHL version of the President’s Trophy. Unfortunately the playoffs weren’t as good as they could have been thanks to one Mr. Devin Setoguchi and the Prince George Cougars, but I digress.

There was a lot of talk in the late summer of 2007 about whether Peter would make the Coyotes squad or would he come back to the Tips for another season, as he had two more years of eligibility. I would have liked for him to come back, partly because he’s a good kid and would have helped the team out tremendously; but you could see at the end of the season that the WHL pond was getting to be a bit too small for our boy from the land of 10,000 lakes.

However, I don’t know if dear Pete really realized just what being a full time NHL player would be like. Yes, he had youth and a whole bundle of talent; but without a taskmaster coach like Kevin Constantine, I can see how hard it might have been to stay the course with all the goodies an NHL contract brings with it.  Yes, he had a very good rookie season and was even voted for a few times for the Calder; but a rookie season does not a career make, nor does it guarantee even a good second season and #88 in your program was proof of this. True he had some issues with injuries; but I think if he had been with a different team with a different coach and more stability, things might have been a little better.

However I try to be optimistic and I really think if last night’s game against the Anaheim Ducks is any indication, things are looking up for our good pal Pete. He scored a goal, tripped a Duck and generally looked happy, which makes my little black heart happy too.

Photo: NHL

Well, I can’t say I’m surprised, or saddened to see Wojtek Wolski go. I know many Avalanche fans were hoping for Ruslan Salei or John-Michael Liles to be traded, and if Wolski had to go, they wanted a veteran in return.

I, for one, am happy to see the less-than-physical player leave our ranks. Rumors were that Wolski didn’t see eye-to-eye with the Avs management, and that he was on his way out. I take that to mean, they asked him to put his big body in front of the net and he didn’t want to take the beating.

Most Avs fans don’t watch a whole lot of other hockey, except what’s force-fed to them on the networks. That means, they don’t know a whole lot about the Phoenix Coyotes and Peter Mueller. I’m sure Goddess Amy will weigh in on this, since she saw him during his Junior days in Everett when he played for the Silvertips, but I really think this guy is going to be great. The Avs needed another center, and why not grab a young guy with tons of talent, a good work ethic and is easy on the eyes? ;-)

Getting rid of Liles would have been ideal. However, no one was going to pick up his inflated salary. The general public may not have been watching him the past couple of years, but the scouts were and he just doesn’t fit into too many team’s plans. After all, you can only have so many Mike Greens in the league.

Salei? Yeah, he’s carrying a bit of a salary, but for those people who never watched more than a couple of Ducks or Panthers games, they don’t understand what a talented, smart and crushing player he can be.  In his first game back this season, he threw some punishing hits and got an assist, looking as if he hadn’t missed a beat, and ended up +2 in a 3-2 loss. He is most physical defenseman next to Adam Foote, and he’s a smart player and great skater to boot. Why anyone would want to deal him is beyond me. I’d get rid of Brett Clark and even my lovely Scott Hannan before I’d ditch Salei.

Teasers:  I’ve promised KHL reporting and I will deliver soon.  Also, look for more rants on what else? Colorado Avalanche fan experiences.  Suffice it to say, we will not be renewing our season tickets next year.

Photo: Peter Mueller by Goddess Sasha. Copyright 2009-2010. All Rights Reserved.

Wow.

I never imagined the Atlanta Thrashers wouldn’t be able to offload Slava Kozlov. I am amazed to be sitting here writing that he’s still a Thrasher after all that. Will he play? Will he be waived? That’s what I imagine is going to happen: It’s waiver watch from now on. They can still waive after the deadline, no? (Apologies, I am no expert in this area.)

I am hopeful, ever so hopeful that Slava can get back in the good graces of John Anderson (loathsome man!) and be back on the ice playing like we know he can. I’d hate to see him buried in the AHL.

And could they lose him on re-entry after the trade deadline?  (Or in essence — in a roundabout way — grant his request out of Atlanta by waiving him and, if nobody claims him, subject him to re-entry waivers and pay half the freight of his salary.)   I don’t know the rules on this, unfortunately.  Feel free to comment and set me straight.

The unselfish part of me is sad for Kozlov. I know he wanted out and hoped to be traded.  And a teeny-tiny part of me wishes he’d gotten his wish.

The selfish part of me really wants him to get that one chance and totally play himself back onto the team and prove J.A. wrong because you know what?  J.A. is wrong unless Slava has suddenly become a head case or belligerent. (Maybe he has? Kozlov’s Fall Out With the Thrash. In which case, maybe they are both wrong?)

Nevertheless…

Anything to do with Kozlov is written from my heart, not my head. I love him as a player.  I’ve loved him since NHL hockey appeared on my radar screen back when he was first starting out with the Red Wings;  and I will love him no matter where he goes. Maybe it’s a Goddess kind of thing to say, but I just want this particular person to be happy. I think he’s, as the colloquial saying goes, “good people.”  But you know, I know a man who once told me he cried his eyes out when Wendel Clark was traded from the Maple Leafs, so it’s a God AND Goddess way to feel.  That is, everyone — man, woman or child — has one or two special players that they live and die with.  Slava is mine.

¡Bienvenidos (otra vez)! del Thrashers, Slava? ¡Te amo, mi amor (del hockey)!

Photo: Vyacheslav Kozlov by Goddess Kaat. Copyright 2009-2010. All Rights Reserved.

The hockey world doesn’t anxiously await his fate.  Probably about  21 other people are as desperate to know where he’ll land.  But my favorite player, one Slava Kozlov, is on the block (by his own request).  I am sad he’s going, but D-Wad actually acknowledged yesterday in the Atlanta Journal-Constitution that he was trying his best to honor his request to be traded to a contender out of respect for what Kozlov has done for the franchise.  

“The asset value back is minimal vs. how much he’s done for this franchise. If I can find him a home, I’m happy to do it.”

– Don Waddell, Atlanta Journal-Constitution, 03/01/2010

Hell, it could all be lip service, but I want to drink this Kool-Aid for once and believe the Thrashers value everything he’s brought to the table — and it’s been significant over the years.

Slava:  I loved you before you joined the Thrashers and, as REO Speedwagon well put it in the 1980s, “I’m gonna keep on lovin’ you.”  

Bonne chance mon amour (d’hockey)!

Photo: Vyacheslav Kozlov by Goddess Kaat. Copyright 2009-2010. All Rights Reserved.

“I can’t wait until it’s over,’’ said the Bruins’ Shawn Thornton. “I know fans love it. But we’re talking about lives and families.’’ — Boston Globe

Well no, Shawn. Not all hockey fans love trade deadline day. There are actually a significant number of us who feel the same way you do. That the Santa of “Hockey Christmas” is actually the Grinch, sneaking down our chimneys and stealing our beloved toys right out from under the tree.

Yes, yes, we know that all trades are made for the benefit of the team, whether it be for the long term or the short run. We also know that surgery is something done for the good of the patient, but that doesn’t mean we enjoy it.

Being a fan is an emotional investment. With many of these players, we see them get drafted, come up through the system, watch them grow as players and as people. We root them on in the bigs, celebrate their landmark accomplishments, buy their jerseys, catch their eyes from behind the glass and share a smile. We can’t — well, I can’t — look at them as “chips,” and eagerly anticipate losing them. They wear the spoked-B (or the Indian head, or the winged wheel); they are OUR GUYS.

And though their departure may make our team better, we can’t anticipate it with cheerful giddiness. We can only watch somberly, stomach churning, as the clock ticks down. We can’t wait until it’s over.