It’s a Goddess smackdown! Ha ha! Just kidding. But it is that time again. Time for the Hockey Goddesses to make their fearless predictions. Much like we did with our Olympic pick off 1 and 2, read the tea leaves and let you know what we see. We’ll also share our thoughts on some marginally related — but fun — items, like our vote for the “best playoff beard.”
We made our selections before the first game of the Stanley Cup playoffs without consulting one another. So, now that I have kept you in suspense — here are the results! After you read, let us know what you think!
Goddess Face Off
Stanley Cup Winner
Blackhawks in 7
Blackhawks in 6.
Blackhawks in 6.
Flyers in 7.
Blackhawks in 5.
The Goddesses want to give a special award to Scott Hartnell. We appreciate irreverence. We appreciate the desire to make a bold statement, but none of us seems to appreciate Scott Hartnell’s special brand of wolfishness. (We prefer the Peter Forsberg kind of wolf.)
Scott Hartnell takes the prize -- worst hair, worst beard, biggest beast. Thank you Mr. Hartnell.
Ugliest player: * I don’t think either team has anyone truly stomach turning in the looks department; but I think that Scott Hartnell has to be the player who best personifies ugly in the way he plays.
Prettiest player: Blackhawks- Niklas Hjalmarsson You would think being a Swede would give him a head start; but hi!, you’ve met Daniel Tjärnqvist and the Sedin twins right? Patrick Sharp is a very close second as the brunette contender, but I think Nikky is just lovely.
The Blackhawks' Niklas Hjalmarsson.
Disappearing act: I don’t know if there has been one from the Flyers, which is probably one of the reasons they’re in the Finals. On the Hawks though, I have to go with Brian Campbell. He’s being paid a lot of money and, though his regular season was pretty good, in the playoffs his plus/minus is higher than is point total.
Best shirtless: I’m sure there are more out there, but I was in a time crunch and I remembered this one. Yeah, he’s a douche sometimes, but he helped my Ducks win a Cup and he’s pretty built too. I give you Chris Pronger (pictured, left, with former NHLer Eric Lindros).
Chris Pronger, left, and Eric Lindros
Best hair: ** It has to be the mullet on Pat Kane. OMG … it’s so bad that it’s fabulous.
Best playoff beard: Best playoff beard — I hate him but Scott Hartnell has to win. He also comes second to Pat Kane in the best hair department.
Worst playoff beard: It’s gotta be Danny Briere. It’s just only a tiny bit thicker than Sidney Crosby’s but Sid is 10 years younger.
Best goalie mask (of those goalies remaining): Cristobal Huet. It’s beautiful with the Native American headdress on it. I do miss Patty Lalime’s mask with his signature Marvin the Martian wearing the headdress though.
Ugliest player: * It’s so predictable that I hesitate to select him, but Scott Hartnell, come on down!
Prettiest player: * Marian Hossa. When he was traded away, it was like they traded away my best friend and I suddenly had to find a new best friend. I am still looking. He’s pretty when he is playing well. He’s Magical Marian and I hope to see that gorgeous play come out to, well, play. I hope he silences the critics.
Disappearing act: I predict one of the two starting goalies goes AWOL. It would be so easy to cherrybomb on Hossa, who is having a rough go.
Best shirtless: My selection is the Michael Jordan statue outside the United Center. Someone has placed a Blackhawks jersey and helmet on it and it just ain’t right as we say down South. Jordan deserves to be left in his old Bulls jersey, not dolled up like the famous Manneken Pis in Brussels, Belgium whom they love to dress up in costumes. No, no. MJ deserves the respect of being in his own gear. Therefore, he’s my pick for “best shirtless” — or would be best shirtless. He shouldn’t be in that jersey!
A Blackhawks jersey was placed on the Michael Jordan statue outside of the United Center.
Best hair: ** I am kind of loving Marian’s shag. He’s got a nice looking Beatles vibe going and I dig it. Enough of the spiky. He’s going all sleek and silky. Nice! (His beard looks well looked after too. Extra points!)
Marian Hossa's new 'do.
Best playoff beard: Yeesh, that’s a tough one. I am not much of a beard fan in general, but I rather like the beards that haven’t come in all the way or are patchy — you just know that bothers the poor guys. I find it endearing and, dare I say it? Cute. There, I ruined my rep.
Worst playoff beard: Chris Pronger. I am baffled by his lack of a beard at all. Come on!
Best goalie mask (of those goalies remaining): Cristobal Huet. I really like the feathers and the continuity of a theme. It just looks cool. I know some people will think that makes me uncool and that I am stereotyping or being otherwise rude. Not in the least. I just think it looks awesome. Only great love is intended.
Cristobal Huet's beautiful, colorful mask.
Ugliest player: *I’m interpreting like I always do. Literally. It is a close race between Scott Hartnall and Ian LaPerriere.
Prettiest player: * Niklas Hjalmarsson. Just check him out.
Disappearing act: I will predict that Patrick Kane does the disappearing act .
Best shirtless: Riley Cote. I’m not sure what is best, but it’s best something.
Riley Cote's sexy chest.
Best hair: ** Patrick Sharp always has great hair.
Patrick Sharp and his fabulous hair.
Best playoff beard: Arron Asham – he looks Asian with his..so much so the third search suggestion when you start to type in your google toolbar is “Arron Asham Asian.”
Worst playoff beard: Simon Gagne — Because it’s just ugh.
Simon Gagne, left, and Danny Briere were both tagged as having the worst playoff beard.
Best goalie mask (of those goalies remaining):Both are very un-inspiring I think.
Thoughts: I think Philadelphia will win — a bunch of no names, barely squeaking in and have scratched and clawed their way to the finals.
Ugliest player: * Hmmm… Carcillo or Hartnell… Carcillo or Hartnell… oh great. Now I have to go wash my brain out with soap.
Prettiest player: * Patrick Kane. I like pretty boys with curly blond mullets. Reminds me of my college days.
Patrick Kane wears hockey hair nouveau (and a fauxhawk?).
Disappearing act: Chris Pronger. Wishful thinking, I know. But I’m hoping somebody does this to him:
Best shirtless:[Editor's note: Goddess Savvy is cheating again! Ha ha! -- Admin] The Boston Bruins aren’t in the final. :-( He’s pretty anyway: Matt Hunwick.
He's not in the finals, but he still looks good with his shirt off: Matt Hunwick.
Best hair: ** Kane, of course.
Best playoff beard: Danny Briere, because it’s so… sad. Like a little lost playoff beard.
Worst playoff beard: Jonathan Toews, hands down. He looks like he’s molting.
Best goalie mask (of those goalies remaining): Tuukka Rask. He’s not remaining? He SHOULD be!
Thoughts? Blackhawks in five. (I wonder if Stan Bowman, the Blackhawks GM, will cap off the series win by hoisting the Stanley Cup and saying, “Après moi, le deluge”?)
* Note 1: Prettiest/ugliest player was open to interpretation. It could have meant looks, style or play, however the goddess chose to interpret that question. * Note 2: There is not a “worst hair” category as it is clear that Scott Hartnell would sweep it.
Photos: Patrick Kane by Getty Images; Matt Hunwick by Stuff Boston; Marian Hossa by The Associated Press; Michael Jordan statue by The Associated Press; Niklas Hjalmarsson from NHL.com; Chris Pronger and Eric Lindros from deadspin.com; Riley Cote from fllyers07-08.blogspot.com; Patrick Sharp by NHL.com.